My Transformation Story

Everybody has their own story to tell. I have quite a handful of my own that I want to share but today, I shall unfold a personal story of how I became the person who I am right now.

Change is a beautiful thing, that many are grateful for and many repulse at. Because change can be pleasant or unpleasant, or both at the same time.

Everybody changes. Every single living thing on the face of the Earth has gone through a phase/many phases in their lifetime where they experience change - physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, environmentally, etc. We've all been through some sort of change, and I'm pretty sure, we've all experienced many changes in our lives. 

While all of us have experienced change some point(s) in our lives, not many of us transformed. I couldn't help but wonder if I actually went through a transformation, but when I look back at the past decade, of who I was ten years ago and who I am today, I went through a heck of transformation.

And it ain't even a cool thing like being a Transformer (of course, you need to be a machine made of metal parts to be one, so I don't make the cut). It almost frightened me at how much I changed over the years.

This isn't going to be a weird and creepy story where the past ten years I slowly turn into an alien or vampire or mythical being. No. Although being a hippogriff would be amazing, there's nothing too drastic in this transformation story. This is simply a story of how a geeky nerdy girl who doesn't believe in being lady-like grew to be a decent lady who cares about her presentation to others. (I know, very cliche.)

As a young teenager at the age of 13, I was a lover for books. I loved going to the library and I would hoard all the Young Adult fiction novels and read them all day and night wherever I go. I was also very mad with pop music. I was a big fan of Fall Out Boy from the age of 10 (and still am, ten years on) but I was a bigger fan of the K-Pop industry. Yes, I worshiped all these suave pretty South Korean pop idols at one point of time.

Moving on from my past interests, I had very very terrible eyesight, which stemmed from my irresponsible habit of reading in low-lighting and watching TV really closely. Among my friends, I had the thickest glasses and at that point of time, I loved wearing frameless spectacles so everybody could see how bloody thick they were. (They were so bad that every year I had to change them and my degree increases by 1.00!) 

Also, I was a pretty versatile girl, in a way that I find myself having a tomboy personality on most days and some days I wanted to feel a little cuter (like girls my age were supposed to be). Of course, I felt the most comfortable in my almost-tomboy self (I say almost because I love doing what boys do but I still wanted to remain a girl). Now that I think about it, I was most probably gender-fluid. 

One thing that I want to highlight - I was totally against prettying up. As simple as replacing glasses with contact lenses to wearing light makeup, I disliked it, especially when my best friends do it. There was a time in primary school, I was 11 or 12, I made my best friend (at that time) cry because she wore contact lenses for class photo-taking and I absolutely hated it. Quick note, from present me, I hate 12-year-old me for doing that and would've given myself a straight uppercut for hurting my friend's feelings and not apologizing.

Of course, as I grew up, I grew out of that phase slowly and became more open-minded about all my girl friends trying to make themselves pretty. But I was stubborn and thought "what's the point of putting on makeup when true beauty comes from within?" You have to agree with me, I had a point but still, I was a knuckle-head. 

 Now that you know quite a lot of young Izzie, let's continue the journey of growing up. This journey consists of two parts - before the age of 17 and after the age of 17. Basically, if you hadn't inferred enough from that, 17 was the age where I started changing quite a lot, appearance-wise and morale-wise.

Up until the age of 16, right before I graduated secondary school, the year of my national examinations, I was still a 'sneakers, hoodie & baggy shorts' kinda girl. After I graduated, I started to try new things. Quick note, I have been trying a lot of things - like dresses, skirts, tight tops, heels. I wouldn't say that I didn't like them, but young Izzie would've said "This isn't me." 

When I got into polytechnic, I was still kind of the same nerdy girl - thick glasses, baggy hoodie, jeans, sneakers and a camouflage-coloured backpack. Yeah, those were the days. As the days, weeks and months go by, I learned a lot of things and one of it is that first impression counts. 

Of course, 16-year-old Izzie wanted everyone to know that she was a hardcore nerd who loved to scroll through Tumblr and watch K-Pop music videos in lecture and has a very tomboyish fashion style. And she did succeed in that, but at the same time, she wanted to change things a little. 

So I tried wearing skirts to school whenever I had presentations, and then I wore them as a part of a normal outfit. I wore a little tinted lip balm and then started wearing sheer-coloured lipsticks on a daily basis. I would wear tighter tops, low-neck tops, crop tops. I would even carry tote bags instead of backpacks.

I would admit, this is slightly due to peer influence. I see all these girls in my class, lectures and campus wearing really nicely and I thought, "Why not try and give effort into my daily outfit?" And I tried, but I just couldn't commit every single day. But I had to admit, after all that trying, it felt good to wear something that made you feel confident. At that point, nothing made me confident so I went for what was comfortable - hoodies, sneakers and shorts.

OI admit that half of me wanted to fit in. I've always been the kind of girl who wanted to be different but at the same time, blend in with the wallpaper (and in fact, I still do). Yeah, I know, I'm insane for wishing for that to be true. But that is how stubborn and introverted I am. Even up till now.

So anyways, I slowly wore dresses to school, I carried handbags, I wore flats, put on eyeliner but I still had my glasses. Those babies stay. I've been subtly wearing nicer things to perk up my appearance a little, but doing even more whenever there are graded presentations.

Oddly enough, its the words of compliment and praise - whenever I dress up for a certain event or wear something I normally don't - that motivated me to try even more new things. Most of the time, they compliment how good my legs look whenever I wear a short skirt, or even skinny jeans, which I get very often. I don't take compliments well so I got quite sick of it but I appreciate the thoughts nonetheless.

Moving on to my final year internship, where I got to be an assistant teacher at a school for the intellectually disabled, I started to try get into makeup. Prior to this internship, I attended a compulsory professional grooming workshop and they emphasized a lot on makeup so that you have a good impression to your colleagues and to others.

So by makeup, I meant I just wore concealer, powder, eyeliner and even an eyebrow pencil. I still had my glasses on and I wore sneakers to work because its comfy. I didn't wear fanciful makeup because come on, I was just an intern teacher. Just enough to get by so that my colleagues don't think that I'm a sloppy person.

After internship, I had one last semester in polytechnic and I decided to get a part-time job while studying. It was a retail staff, particularly a fashion jewellery retail store. If you haven't figured it out already, yes, I have to dress up for this job - and that is dress up fancy-schmancy. 

What's more I got located in the heart of town, Orchard, where you see so many fashionable people strut their styles freely. Mind you, by this time, I had already watched plenty of lookbooks and fashion haul videos on YouTube that I had a storage of style inspirations in my brain. 

And this is where many people witnessed the drastic change in me (by people, I mean friends who've been with me before I got this job). I wouldn't say it was drastic because I didn't dress up to school like how I do for work - because that would be an eye-opener and a head-turner.

But people have already seen how I look like during work when I post pictures on Instagram. Week after week, my style improves - fashion-wise and makeup-wise. On some days, when I'm feeling more confident, I'd wear more eyeliner to school, even some jewellery, but on most days, I still prefer to just wear comfortably in my hoodie, shorts and sneakers. But on days when I feel good, I'd add a notch into my styling.

That is where I am today. Thanks to the fashion retail job, I took 'prettying-up' to the next level. Even my 10-year-old me would be repulsed to know that she would become this in the next decade.

But it is the best change ever. I saw myself change into a proper lady, appearance-wise at least. I do still walk, stand and sit like a man (sometimes) but at least I'm more self-conscious about how I look.

Of course, when I wore makeup for work, it was a compulsory thing. But out of work, I wore it to feel good about myself. I don't wear makeup to impress other people. Heck, I don't just wear dresses, pretty skirts, jewellery and all these shenanigans to catch other people's eyes. This ain't no 'sempai notice me' drama.

I do it because I feel confident when I'm prettied up. I do it because I fell in love with makeup. I get to be creative everytime I have work or an occasion to attend to and my face is the canvas. I get to try new things and learn more about my face, my facial features and my skin.

Not just makeup, its the same for my fashion style. I learned about which styles suited me and which don't. I learned about which hideous clothes I needed to trow out and which ones I needed to have as wardrobe essentials.

I learned the bizarre difference between comfortable and confident. Ultimately, we all want to be comfortable and confident at the same time. But to get there, you need to get out of your comfort zone to try new things so that you can be confident in whatever it is you want to be confident in.

In the end, hopefully, comfort and confidence will feel as natural as your skin.

---

Hope this post goes out to anybody who is going through a change and is confused about what is going to happen next. Whatever the change is, explore new things and learn more about yourself. Figure out what you want and who you want to be - what is comfortable to you. Then, make the change and be confident about it.

Lots of love,
Izzie


  

Start of a new chapter

Yesterday, on February 2nd, was the last day of my life as a polytechnic student. 

Right after my final presentation was done, the moment I stepped out of the conference room, I could feel an immense weight lift off my shoulders. I could breathe normally.

Today, February 3rd, I could feel the change, tremendously. 

When I woke up in the late morning, the sun rays momentarily blinding me, the day's long agonizing to-do list that usually automatically pops up in my head is gone. It didn't pop up. And it won't be appearing for a really long time. To know that there aren't any deadlines to be met, no assignments or presentations to prepare for, it was truly a deep breath of fresh air.

Of course, I didn't want to do nothing during these 4 months of break to graduation day.

I've planned quite a number of things to do during this break.

One is to travel. Travel with friends. Travel with family. Travel alone, perhaps. Even travelling to the park nearby for a leisurely stroll. Travelling is one thing I've always loved to do but anxiety can be a pain in the ass. One minute I'd be stoked to go to the neighbourhood library or just to take a relaxing walk outside, and the next I'd lose motivation to just step out of the house. I'd think of a lot of whatifs and suddenly I'll be lazing around bed, reading my fanfiction story on my Kindle. Easily, I'd call myself a pussy twat for not having enough courage to face the outside world. It may be anxiety, it may be confidence, it may even be both at once. But I know that I can overpower this thing that's been bothering my motivations. 

Second is to write. Pour my heart and soul out on paper and pen. Whether be it a short story, a fanfiction, a blog post, a fiction novel, a personal recount, whatever, I want to write more. Like a teacher once said to me, "Just let your pen flow." This has always been the driving factor when I write essays or stories. Even if whatever I write turns out to be bullshit. I'd let all that nonsense flow and usually, I'd tweak it here and there and add a little bit more spice and an original idea would be born. I want to write more things, wackier, magical, mystical, majestic things. I've quite a few ideas noted down so stay tuned to this blog for more.

Third is to blog. I know it sounds weird and so attention-seeking. But honestly, I have no idea who reads all these posts, unless if people tell me so. And frankly, I don't really care about who reads them. This blog page is where I can let all my thoughts and feelings and memories and wild ideas out for whoever that wants to read it. So if you don't like what I'm writing, you're welcomed to click that big red X at the top right hand corner. But if you do like my writing, whether if its my fictional stories or my personal blog posts, then thank you for reading and appreciating what I've put here. Writing my thoughts and feelings down on a blog really helped to clear my mind, soul and heart when I need to. Like now, where I'm promising myself of the future activities in the next 3 months. Hopefully, I will be able to inspire other people as well, through the personal or fiction stories.

And the last is to learn and love myself. I am guilty of neglecting me the past... oh I don't know, two years perhaps? All I know, it has been a long time. I haven't understood what has happened to me in the past couple of years and I never made the effort to. Usually when I found a problem with myself, I'd make no fret about it and just push it aside. And it has been the same for every single problem I face in my life, and it has been bad for me. I am utterly confused with my feelings and my thoughts and everything about me, and its sad because who knows me better than me? I've neglected myself for way too long and I'm set on slowly understanding every inch and scar of myself, and eventually to love myself for every flaw that I have. I know all of my flaws and I acknowledge them. I have accepted them for who I am but to love me with all these flaws, when I'm quite the perfectionist? That would take some work to do. And I have all the time to do so these next few months.

Now that I've set the content page outline for the next few chapters in my 2015 year, it is time for me to start working on the plot of the story. Let's see how this story evolves, because honestly, I have little control in whatever that's been written for my life and future. 

Till the next blog post, take care.

Izzie x

Hello 2015

It is a brand new spankin' year. Everyone is in a jolly and festive mood, celebrating the new year and making new goals and resolutions for 2015. I, for one, am not excluded in this. I remember a year ago, on January 1st, 2014, I made a list of new year resolutions. Or rather, goals. I set myself a list of goals that I wanted to achieve in 2014. Some of it include leading a healthier lifestyle and starting cosplay.

I definitely achieved the latter, but the first... well, its still in progress. Many people don't think of new year's resolutions because they say it just doesn't work out in the end, and I agree. Some don't work out at all, but some still do become true. All in all, I still don't think resolutions work very well with me, because they just don't stick through the end. The year will not be consistent through out - there will be events that may be life-changing and that may just dampen the hopes of achieving the resolutions.

I've decided to just stick with small goals - a short list of goals that I can see myself working towards in this year. Achievable yet challenging goals. And as the year goes by, I'll add more goals to the list because the year could be better than I expected, or the other way around. Whichever way my 2015 decides to go, I will still keep adding on goals because that is just how I continuously improve myself.

As of January 1st of 2015, these are the current set of goals I'm setting myself. The first few goals are undeniable goals, more like milestones actually, and the rest are... well, my personal goals.

• Graduate from polytechnic + attain a diploma
• Secure a career in my field of study
• Enter the 2nd decade of life on a positive note
• Travel with friends
• Travel with best friend
• Visit my aunt's family in Ohio, Cleveland
• Go clubbing
• Cosplay two new characters

Well those are a few I can think of right now. Some are plain right ridiculous but some are definitely unavoidable. I'm gonna end this post here with a reminder to self, and maybe to you, who's reading this.

"It is okay to be nervous about the future. It is okay to be anxious about how daunting everything is. Take a deep breath, keep your heart and mind calm and you can do it. Embrace everything with love and everything will be fine. Everything happens for a reason and the future awaits you with great things in store for you. Believe in yourself and you'll pull through."

Here's to a better and less anxious me for 2015. Let's have a blast.

Cheers,

Izzie xx

Goodbye 2014

It is undoubtedly that time of the year, where we transit into a brand new year. Though it is just like any other night, where the clock strikes midnight in every respective timezone on Earth, it is a meaningful one to many.

To some, it may seem ridiculous because it is just like any other night. It's not like a new year would mean a new day that would bring snow upon the sunny shores of Singapore the next day. Nothing special. Ditto.

I admit, the past years I was one of these people. The past years is the same old thing. "Oh, please. The next year is going to be the same thing. Just school, same old same old." Not anymore.

Next year is the year of changes. I will graduate from polytechnic and from school overall. I will enter the workforce officially. I will embrace adulthood with the big number 2 at the front of my age figure. These are honestly huge milestones all packed in one year. Heck, maybe in one month even.

I'm not one who takes change very well. That's the autistic part of me. But of course, throughout the almost two decades of my life, I've learned that change is good, no matter how uncomfortable that change is. Change signifies the beginning of something new - positive or negative. It is up to oneself on how they take out of that life-changing experience. Some take it bad, some take it light-heartedly, some take it on a happy note.

2014 was full of changes as well, no denying about that. I stepped down from my main committee of my cca in the beginning of the year. I started internship shortly afterwards, which, I must say, took up almost half of the year, and I solely commit to working at my internship school and work on the final year project (FYP). After internship ended, I got a job just before the new semester started, which was a huge life-changer, because I am not one who is good at managing my time well. But because of this part-time job alongside a school semester, I get to polish those skills up and make sure I can juggle my commitments well.

Many more things happened in between those huge life events aforementioned, but I prefer not to bring light upon them because of personal reasons. If you're reading this and know that there were more life milestones that I achieved in the year, you are an important part of my life and I thank you for going through or witnessing those milestones with me.

 My 2014 was without a doubt one hell of a bumpy roller-coaster ride. So many things happened and I felt many emotions with it. It wasn't particularly the best year of my life, not that I do have one, but I couldn't have asked for a better 2014. I will only see the good in what happened and not let the bad get to me.

Regrets, all of us have them and I'm not exempted. I had plenty this year, some so great that I could break down because it shows how much of a sissy, a coward, a chicken I am. But heck, I'm not gonna let them get to me. I already let them last night and that is the last I will ever see of them because 2014 is over. All the nasty regrets of 2014 will be stuffed in a bag of trash and thrown into a garbage truck where they will be incinerated into ashes for good. I don't need those regrets and I don't have time for them either.

Undoubtedly, there will be a new set of regrets for this new year but I'm not gonna wait for those regrets to come. Oh hell no. This is a new year full of change, so I will make the best of it. I will wait for opportunities to come, or better still, I will go forth and seek for opportunities that will make me a better and happier person because that is what I want for myself. Call me selfish, but self love is important too, my friends.

All in all, I'm happy 2014 is coming to an end. I'm excited to put an end to this final chapter to this book and I'm more than thrilled to start on a new chapter in 2015. Thank you for reading this long ranting post on how my 2014 went and I hope you have a wonderful New Year's.

Cheers,
Izzie xoxo

'In Between' | A metaphor for social anxiety

Well, hey there rainbow sprinklers! I did not plan to write this blog post or anything like that. It was a normal evening and I was scrolling through my Tumblr dashboard when I came across this particular post. As it is titled, it says "The blue crocodile in this short film is one of the best metaphor for depression". However, the GIFs following that did not coincide with my knowledge of depression.

Now, I do not have long-term depression, but I do have them at some times every month - its a girl thing. So I understand what depression feels like, and it definitely isn't like what was depicted in the visuals. However, I must say that I relate closely to every single GIF and that's when I realize - the crocodile is a metaphor for social anxiety.

(I must add, though, that some people associate the crocodile to shyness as well. I have no objections with that, but for this blog post, I have a heavy preference towards social anxiety.)

So now, I'm gonna explain intricately on why I love this video so much, and why it is a very educational film at that.

What is the film about? 

The film is named 'In Between' by Gobelins, a film production crew that originates from France, I assume. As stated in the description box, the video is about "a young woman (who) is being followed by a crocodile who represents her shyness. As he makes her life a living (hell), she tries by every means to get rid of him."

How is it a metaphor? 

Instance 1: You can't get rid of it 

The start of the video, after the woman was diagnosed of having a "crocodile", she tried to get rid of it by throwing it out of the window/balcony. Oh boy, if only it were that easy - I would have been a social bug right now, making many great new friends easily.  I've thrown my crocodile out the window so many times for the past 10 years and its still here. It's not going anywhere. It's staying with me for life, and I've come to terms with it.

Instance 2: It follows you everywhere

Now, this imagery is so strong and I really love it. I already find it annoying when someone or something is constantly on your tail. So to have such an annoying thing like social anxiety constantly breathing down your neck, it will affect your daily life and it does eventually. What happens in this GIF here is only just the tip of the iceberg.

Instance 3: It affects your presentations 

Yes, yes, I know. All of us have this. It is very common for everybody to get very nervous and sometimes anxious during presentations, especially towards superiors.  But for those with social anxiety, no matter how prepared you are, no matter how many courses you take in presentation skills, the crocodile is there to muck up your presentation, whether or not you can see the crocodile.

 know it sounds crazy, but as someone with social anxiety, we are constantly pressured and stressed about people's judgments and presentations are the last things we enjoy doing. And then we also have to deal with our social anxiety that constantly throws us off throughout the whole presentation. And it doesn't only happen for presentations - public speaking, stage performances, etc.

Instance 4: Trying to make an impression to a cute person

I cannot stress how true this is. There were plenty - and by plenty, I mean PLENTY A LOT - of times when I've wanted to approach people that caught my eyes, whether they were cute or not but guess who tried to screw me up? You guessed it, bloody social anxiety.

Now, this is pretty normal to many, considering its normal to be nervous when approaching strangers, right? But with social anxiety, you'll be dead in your tracks, staring at the person from afar and your mind raging with negative thoughts, overthinking about the other party judging you for your mistakes or your stumbles or your looks or you - the list can go on. To put it bluntly, social anxiety can be a cockblocker.

Instance 5: Social anxiety controls you when you're out in public 

This part was really short in the video but it is the most accurate of all - I just cannot stress how important this part was. This is when the crocodile constantly made circles around the woman while she was having coffee by herself at a cafe.

Now, before I continue, I am also an introvert - I greatly value solitude. I've been in many situations where I am always alone amongst a bunch of other sociable people. Don't get me wrong - I am not anti-social, I can talk to people just fine. But sometimes it can get overwhelming and I would prefer having some alone time to 'recharge'. Introverts will understand this trait very well.

So because I love solitude, doesn't mean I despise interacting with new people. I love meeting new people, but when the crocodile is on a rampage it stops me completely. And if you look closely, the woman has a very bored look. Trust me, I get sick of my crocodile controlling my social activities outside.

Instance 6: Picking up phone calls

To some, this may seem very absurd. Even when I think about it, I can't even explain myself how this works, but it happens.

Before I knew I had social anxiety, I've always had this fear of picking up phone calls - plainly because I was afraid of the person at the other end of the line judging how I sounded on the phone. I still do but it isn't as bad.

I've grown to learn to pick up calls, but it isn't enough. There are times when I receive phone calls by saved numbers in my contacts and I still fear answering them. You ask why? I have no answer to that - I just do. 

Instance 7: Try many, many methods to get rid of it

The funny part about this video is that social anxiety is depicted as an annoying yet cute croc, where you get to kick it into a river, stuff it into your closet and throw all sorts of things at it. Oh boy, if only life were that interesting - I would've done more things than that.

But in real world news, I've tried many things to try and get rid of this social anxiety problem. Of course, before I knew I had it, I thought I just had a problem with public speaking, so I made sure I trained myself in that department. I even went through so many leadership workshops and took up many leader roles. But guess what? The croc's still here and it ain't leaving.

Instance 8: It gets sickening and it ain't leaving, ever

After all your efforts trying to get rid of it, it gets a bit sickening to know its always there - to stop you from doing things, to annoy you for the rest of your life. No matter what you do, its still going to be there, ruining your life bit by bit.

It can be overwhelming at one point of time, because everything you do seems to be halted and disturbed because of social anxiety. And knowing the fact that this crocodile will never ever leave can be pretty terrifying and daunting. It practically is a huge reminder that your life will never be same again. Some might not take it well, some might still be hanging on by a single thread. But eventually, it will get to them when it gets severe and normal daily functioning becomes dysfunctional. And that's a fact.

Instance 9: Lesson learnt - live with it

It definitely took me a while to get used to the fact that there was something wrong with me, especially when I found out it was social anxiety this whole time. I thought it would be a hindrance to my daily life - which it actually is. But I gradually learned not to look at it in a negative light, that it was a disorder, a disability that hindered me from meeting new people.

The crocodile in this video was just a little sweet innocent thing, trying to somehow protect the woman from many things, somehow show concern for the woman. It never meant harm to her, it just was worried for her. Same thing with social anxiety, you overthink about things too much when you're supposed to worry about for only a minute before trying it out.

Conquering this crocodile can't be through violent means - just like forcing the thoughts out by many means or trying to distract yourself through pain by whatever means. What strike me the most from the ending of this video is when the woman said 'Don't worry' to the crocodile. 

In real life, she would basically be telling herself not to worry about it. To me right now, it seems absurd. I've done that hundreds of times in front of the mirror, and it never worked because it would just overwhelm me, no matter what. But I figured it will take some time before I would be like the woman here - where I can just simply tell my crocodile 'Don't worry' and everything will go smoothly afterwards. And I believe that day will come soon, with plenty of patience and perseverance as well as a strong heart & mind.

I've completely strayed away from what I intended to write, which was an analysis of the video, and ended up with a personal reflection. But I really hope this video educates other people about this anxiety disorder. It is such a refreshing way to teach people about it, the animation isn't that bad, the graphics are stunning, the characterization is superb as well. And most importantly, the message is clearly portrayed.

I shall edit this blogpost another time because I reckon there's plenty grammar mistakes everywhere. Thanks for reading!


Izzie x

T a k e t h e p l u n g e .

Sweaty hands. Numb feet. Rapid breathing. Woozy in the head. A weird feeling in the tummy.

What is this feeling?

I am still sitting on the edge of my bed, yet I’m looking at the view from a rooftop of a tall skyscraper in the heart of Manhattan city.

How did I end up here?

The wind is vicious here, the angry sun baking my bare shoulders up high from behind and the clouds seem to be floating nearer and nearer to me. It was a beautiful day and the skyline of the city was almost breathtaking. This is not excitement I’m feeling – this is fear.

Why am I feeling this way?

My feet hung precariously close to the edge of the building and I could feel the edge of the concrete building with the tips of my toes. My hands still grasped the bedsheets underneath me like it was my lifeline. It was as though I could tumble off the building by a small gust of wind and plunge down the depths of whatever human activity is below.

Am I supposed to take the plunge?

Slowly lowering my gaze below the stunning horizon before me, I took a peek at the bottom, my hands still tightly clenching the comforter underneath. The roads were like a maze and every sort of vehicle filled every space. People walked down the pavements on the sides of the road at different paces. Some walked slowly, some were rushing, some bumped into each other. The sight of so much activity overwhelmed me and I straightened my back, taking a deep breath, just realizing I haven’t been breathing the whole time.

What am I supposed to do now?

Suddenly, there was a buzz from my bed and I turned to my left to see my phone, receiving a call. I am still in my room. I am still in my sanctuary. There was no vicious wind, there was no angry sun, there was no humongous cloud floating inches from my face. I am still in my room.

I looked at my phone for a good minute until the call was missed. A text came two seconds later and extending a shaky hand out, I held the phone and read the text.

Are you coming for the reunion?

Reunion. Friends. Old friends. Old lovers. Acquaintances. Enemies. Frenemies. Friends who turned their backs on you. Lovers who betrayed you. Best friends who saw the worst of you. History. Past. Past events. Events that changed you. Changed you for the worse, for the better. Events that broke relationships. Broken relationships with old friends. Friends who are coming to see old friends after some time. Will the broken bond mend itself back? What if it was never meant to be? Were all the memories gone to waste? Were they ever worth the fight? The ones who stayed are the ones who matter. Don’t fight for those who left you behind. And don’t disappoint the friends who stuck by you. Be a great friend and go for it.

I looked up and there it was again – the stunning blue sky, the ginormous fluffy clouds, the blazing sun at the back, the ferocious wind trying to pry me off the bed and down the terrifying depth below. I closed my eyes and took a minute to breathe slowly. After I regained my breaths, I opened my eyes to my room once again and replied the text message:

No. You have fun with the rest.

And this was not the first time it ever happened.

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In commemoration of World Mental Health Day (10 Oct), I thought I'd write a little short story about my 'first' anxiety attack, I'm not entirely sure if this is the first, but it is definitely the first that I can associate with anxiety. I just recently found out that I have symptoms of social anxiety but I've yet to seek professional help.

I'm just glad that when I found out about this, I already have a community of other sufferers that I can turn to. Even if I don't end up being diagnosed with this disorder, at least I know how it feels like to have a mental illness and how to help someone if they're having a panic attack or somewhere along the lines.

Have a great day!

Izzie x

Taking a chance. (Oct 5th)

Just a couple hours ago, my aunt who lives in the states Skype-called me to talk to me about some things. One, she’s sending my favourite tea leaf bags through air mail because Mighty Leaf tea does not ship to Singapore, sadly. Just so you know, their “Green Tea Passion” green tea is bloody amazing, you have no idea! (And its light caffeine!) So yay for more good tea!

But on a more serious note, the second thing was that she wanted to talk me into coming over to her place. She has been doing this for a very long time now, ever since I was still in my pre-teens. Back then, it sounded ridiculous - I couldn’t find enough time to travel there and I could never save up that much money while studying in mainstream government schools. But now, at 19, and graduating in less than 6 months, the idea seems more vivid and workable.

Of course, the idea of graduation is extremely daunting. 6 months is not that long and before you know it, I’ll be in my graduation robes and receiving my diploma. But what do I do after that? I’ve been running away from that dread of making huge life decisions in that near future, but I know I cannot run away forever, or even hide from it. Eventually, it will come knocking on my door and beat some sense into me, saying

"When the hell are you gonna start getting a life for yourself? You’re better than this!" 

Now, I’ve been through many transitions in my 19 years of life. Kindergarten to primary school to secondary school to polytechnic. Yeah, been there, done that. But you have to agree with me that those are very petty issues compared to this one where its transitioning from school to work life. Maybe its just me, but as a person who doesn’t deal with change very well, its a pretty big deal.

And because its a big deal, I’ve never really sat down and thought about what I would do once I’ve graduated.

Will I continue working for the company I interned for?
Will I continue studying into university?
Will I get married?
Will I find some other field of career?
Will I be happy? 

These questions haunt me whenever I try to think about the dreaded ‘After Graduation Plans’. But running away isn’t going to work forever.

That is why when I had this talk with my aunt, about going over to the states and looking at the opportunities a foreign country brings, my view widened. I’ve been tormented with depression-like symptoms over the past few weeks and my outlook on life hasn’t been looking so great. But now that someone has pried into and past my barriers and showed me the possibilities of the what the world has in store, it honestly feels refreshing. It feels like there is a chance for me to find my potential, my passion, my self. My aunt also said something that was really an eye-opener:

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." 

I don’t know what the future brings, and it can be daunting at times. Yeah, graduation means you have to start work life, you have to be a responsible adult, you have to make plenty life decisions. But graduation can also mean diving into all the opportunities that the world brings and discovering something new about yourself. There are plenty of daunting things that will stop you from doing something, but all you have to do is take a chance and trust yourself.

Take things slow, do them wholeheartedly and believe. 

Whether or not I take this chance totally and make it to the end, which is to purchase a flight ticket to Ohio with all my savings, I don’t know. No one knows what the future will bring, but I’ve always believed that you can control which lane you’re taking in that expressway called life: the half-assed lane or the full-throttle lane. Ultimately, its your choice, its your life.

Thanks for reading <3

Izzie x