AN EXPECTED VISIT | A Dramione Story (M)

 - Rated M for mature and sexual themes. Reader discretion is advised. - 

It was a frosty-cold December afternoon. The sun was high up in the sky but I would've seen it if not for the thick unforgiving clouds floating above. If only those clouds would let a little ray of sunlight down, it would look a little more chirpier and warmer here.

I buried my mitten-clad hands into the pockets of my thick fur coat as I continued the journey down the concrete pavement, like I always have the previous four years. Every year, on this day, I always make it a habit to take a journey down this path to the abandoned manor house situated beside a private lake.

I could already see the edge of the lake, with some fishermen taking up some spots by the edge. One of them noticed me and I managed a polite smile and a slight bow as he bid me a good afternoon. My hand felt a scrap piece of paper in my coat pocket and I took it out. My eyes laid on the familiar handwriting written on it and I was instantly taken back to the night when everything changed.

"Don’t leave.” 

“I have to. It’s not safe when you’re with me.” 

There was a pregnant pause before I managed to find my voice again, cracking a little. “When will you come back?” 

“When I am sure of your safety.” 

A tear slipped past my lashes and he noticed. Wrapping his arms around my shoulders, he pulled me in for a tight embrace, kissing my cheek and neck. He buried his nose into my brown locks and took a deep breath, memorizing my scent. 

“It hurts for me to leave you, but I have to do this. You are always in danger in my proximity. I don’t want anything to happen to you.’ He pulled away slightly and brushed the lone tear on my cheek with his thumb, cupping my chin and placing a light kiss on my lips. “I love you and I promise I will be back.” 

Later that night, we made love for the last time and when I woke up after, I was tangled in the sheets, naked and alone. I glanced over to the spot where he last laid and couldn't help but slowly broke down in silent tears, pulling my legs into my chest. I took his pillow and buried my face in it, deeply inhaling his scent that still lingered fresh and strong on the fabric. Five minutes later, slightly cooled down, I noticed a small piece of note that fell from the pillow just beside my shoulder on the bed. It had the familiar cursive handwriting of his, where he wrote: ‘December 31’.

“December 31,” 

I read the now crumpled and slightly tattered piece of paper and sighed as I folded the note back neatly into two and stuffed it into my front jeans pocket. As I walked down the concrete pavement with the vast lake by her left, the private manor came into view. It still looked magnificent as ever, a majestic grey and brown English country house, despite being abandoned for the past few years. It looked rather dreary in the dull and cold weather, with the clouds hanging low above, not letting any warm sunshine through. In the summer, it would look inviting with the vibrant flowers blooming in the gardens in front.

A couple of minutes later, I finally reached the two-meter tall iron gates, complete with the creepy-looking gargoyles embossed at the top of the archway. I got the key out of my pocket and shoved it into the rusty lock, unlocking the heavy chains that locked the gates tight. Letting the chains fall into a heap on the ground, I pushed the gate open, creaking loudly on the rusted hinge, and walked inside.

The grasses in the front garden were already growing past my knees and the neat hedges that framed the walkway I was walking on were in dire need of trimming. There were a few birds floating around the row of apple trees along the garden and a couple of squirrels scrambling about near the oak tree on the other side. It was rather pleasing to see some signs of life in this dead-looking place.

Reaching the massive front porch, I unlocked and pushed open one of the heavy oak doors with a lot of effort. The door creaked loudly as I stepped inside, the sound of my footsteps echoing throughout the foyer and main hallway. It was slightly dark and dusty inside so I drew open the first set of curtains in the foyer, letting some light from outside into the mansion.

Satisfied with the amount of natural light filtering in through the windows, I walked down the main hallway into the living room. Everything was as it was a year ago – white sheets draped over all the furniture and the paintings were placed on the floor below where they were supposed to be mounted, leaning against the wall.

After that brief inspection, I headed straight for the east wing as I always had the previous years. I went up the grand staircase, my footsteps against the marble floor echoing off the empty walls, until I reached the third level and opened the first door in the hallway.

Taking a deep breath, I observed my surroundings and memories flooded my mind of all the times spent in this room five years ago. Both happy and sad memories involved every piece of furniture that was covered by the white sheets. Letting my breath out, I placed my bag by the side of the door and took off my fur coat, rolling up my sleeves to get ready for some room sprucing up. I drew the curtains and opened the windows first, letting the cool fresh air seep into the meek and dusty room. I removed all the white sheets from all the furniture and chucked it on top of a chest in the corner. I took the paintings that were stacked upright beside the fireplace and mounted them back onto the walls at their respective places.

After about a good 45 minutes, I took a quick look around the room and was rather pleased that it looked at least a little more habitable. I rested on the bed and glanced at the bedtable, where there was a photo frame placed face down. I knew what photo it was but I picked it up anyway and saw that it was a picture of me and him, arm in arm with beautiful fireworks in the background during a New Year’s Eve party five years ago. I willed myself not to get emotional by all the fond memories that suddenly flooded her mind, but how she missed all those happy times spent together with him. I quickly placed the frame back onto the bedtable before walking towards the window seat, where I sat for some time staring into the far distance.



It was a quarter past five and I was starting to get hungry. Grabbing my bag from where I left it by the door, I made my way to the kitchen, which was all the way in the west wing. With the fresh food I packed from home, I managed to cook a bowl of cheddar and mushroom soup with some croutons. Placing my dinner on a tray, I walked back to the east wing, passing by the living room, when I noticed something different.

All five sets of curtains were drawn. That was odd. I couldn't remember if I had actually done it earlier when I arrived in the afternoon, but I knew that drawing those heavy curtains was a difficult chore for someone petite like me. 

“I couldn't have possibly done it myself,” I thought. “Or maybe I did. How odd.”

I shrugged and tried not to think too much about it as I made my way to the west wing and back to the room. I had my meal by the window, looking out at the vast lake, as the sky slowly turned dark. After dinner, I felt like having a book to read. Placing my empty bowl on the coffee table in front of the fireplace, I walked out of the room and into the study, which was at the other end of the hallway.

I stepped inside and noticed immediately that the curtains were drawn, letting in natural light from outside. That's strange. I clearly remembered that I did not step into this room the entire day. I frowned and wondered if they were open the entire time since last year when I last visited, but that was highly impossible because first, I was not a careless person to leave the windows open for a whole year and second, there were no signs of nature in the study despite the recent windy rainstorms.

My mind was totally boggled with all the theories for her 'carelessness' as I closed the windows and picked out a book from a bookcase. I didn't want to bother about it anymore as I walked back to the room when I immediately noticed the fireplace was lit. Now something was truly strange.

I started to think quickly of what might be happening. First it was the windows in the living room, then it was the windows in the study and now the fireplace in his room. Through all my rational theories, I can only conclude with two possible reasons: either a ghost has inhabited the mansion or someone has broken into it. My bet was on the latter.

Instinctively, my hand clasped around my wand in my pocket and I pulled it out. Suddenly I heard a sound from behind and I whirled around, wand out in front of me. The door was ajar and I rushed over, peeking out into the hallway, where I managed to spot a shadow, or a silhouette rather, from the end of the hallway. Not quick enough, sucker, I thought.

My heart was beating rapidly that it felt like bursting out of my chest. It told me not to go but my legs were already automatically following the suspicious being, where I found the door to the study opened slightly.

I pushed the door open to enter and that’s when I realized that the room was dark – there wasn't enough light from the windows. I quickly went to the nearest window and drew the curtain open when my eyes caught the faint reflection on the glass. I gasped at the sight and my breath was momentarily taken away but his name managed to slip past my lips in a soft whisper.

“Draco.”

I turned around and my eyes landed on the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes upon. His skin glowed an eerie ghostly white, even though he was still in the shadows between the bookcases. My eyes met his steel grey orbs, which were slightly dark around the edges, from fatigue and lack of sleep perhaps. Oh, how I missed looking into those eyes. His eyebrows were arched in an apologetic look, which intensified the cool intensity of his silver orbs while still warm with love. I could just submerge into those depths and never resurface. His platinum blonde hair had grown, falling slightly over his eyebrows and covering his ears a little. He also had some messy stubble growing along his jawline.

I stared and inspected every detail of him for a good ten seconds, when his voice broke my train of thoughts. 

“Hermione…”

The distance between us wasn't far but I ran to him and flung my arms around him, locking him in a tight embrace, in which he returned with the same amount of passion.

“Oh, I missed you so much!” I cried, my voice muffled by his shirt, tears pouring out of my eyes.

“I missed you more, so much more!” he said, kissing my cheek, ear and neck as he lifted me off the floor.

I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist, locking my feet at the ankles, as I sobbed silently into his shoulder. Draco pulled me away slightly to kiss gently on my lips. My hands were instantly in his hair, pulling him closer as I returned his kiss passionately. I missed the feel of his lips on mine, how gentle and passionate he could be, despite his looks. We broke apart momentarily, foreheads touching and breathing heavily as I finally broke into a teary-eyed smile. “You came back, Draco.”

“I promised, didn't I?" Draco said lovingly, tucking my hair behind my ear, before stealing my lips again for a brief kiss. "And you waited for me. All these years, you waited for me."

“Because I love you so much, Draco.”

“And I love you more, Hermione.”



Nothing could describe how elated I was to see and have my lover back with me, in my arms. Nothing could describe how much I missed him, how much love I have for him. All these years I patiently waited for him to return. I continuously believed that he would keep his promise and return to me, despite everybody's advice stop hoping and believing after the second year of his absence.

We barely spent ten minutes hugging and kissing when I found out that Draco hadn't been eating well the past week so I decided to make some food for him, despite his refusals. As I cooked up a meal with the remaining food I had, Draco sat on top of the kitchen island and entertained me with his adventure tales on how he ended up helping the Ministry and the Aurors eliminate the last remaining Death Eaters and sympathizers of the Dark Lord,. I made a mental note to question Harry on his account of working with his childhood nemesis. He also talked about why it took so long for him to track down the growing group of Death Eaters.

"You look as beautiful as the day I left you," Draco said suddenly in the midst of his story-telling.

I laughed lightly as I continued stirring the sauce in the pan. "Thank you, love. You still look dashingly handsome, despite the hair growth."

A pair of strong arms slid around my waist and I felt his lips brush lightly against my cheek, his stubble prickling my skin. "You don't like it?" he whispered.

I turned down the heat a little before turning in his arms, draping my arms around his broad shoulders. I looked up into his warm grey eyes and smiled, running my fingers through his soft blonde locks, "Actually, I love it. Though I would appreciate a shave because I don't want to feel like I'm kissing a cactus."

Draco laughed and leaned down to place a short but sweet kiss on my lips before I continued cooking. He didn't let go of me the entire time, even when his food was served on the table. He pulled me onto his lap and secured a strong hold around my waist so I wouldn't escape. I watched as he ate, noticing the sparkle in his eyes as he finally gets to eat good food after five years of being on the run and living like a beggar.

Once he was full and satisfied, I levitated the dirty dishes into the sink with my wand and sent a cleaning spell to get the dishes cleaned. We returned back into his room and sat on the couch by the warm fireplace while looking out the window, that overlooked the dark sky. I've never felt this contented in such a long time and just by being in his arms, in his warmth, gives me the best feeling of euphoria.

"Tell me about how you spent the past few New Year's Eve," Draco said quietly, and then added, "while I was gone."

My heart stopped beating for a moment as my mind took a trip down memory lane and I recalled the past years, how they all had been the same miserable days of lost hope. I laced my fingers through his and I felt him give my hand a gentle squeeze.

"Every afternoon would be the same as today. I'd draw the curtains, open the windows and let some light and fresh air in. I'd go straight to your room and remove all the sheets and dust everything. Most of the time, I would be sitting there," I pointed towards the chaise lounge directly beside the tall window. "I'll sit there and cry quietly, holding a framed picture of us in my hands and watch the fireworks in the distance at midnight."

Draco tightened his hold around me and kissed my cheek. "I'm sorry I made you go through all that," he murmured against her ear.

I turned slightly in his arms and placed my hand on his cheek, looking into his eyes. "I'm just happy that you've returned, safe and sound. Really happy that you're here with me today, tonight, on New Year's Eve once again."

I lifted my chin and kissed him sweetly on the lips. We kissed several times until after a minute or two, he pulled away and said, "I have something for you."

I sat up and watched as he dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small black box with intricate vintage designs. He turned the box around in his hands for a moment before speaking.

"Before the Malfoy Manor was demolished, I managed to find this to give it to you."

He turned towards me and opened the box, revealing a beautiful ring - a silver band and a bright emerald gemstone centerpiece with smaller diamonds adorned around it. I gasped at the sight of it and I knew it was a heirloom from his family.

"Draco..."

"This belongs to my mother. It is worn by all the wives of every Malfoy firstborn male. She told me that she wanted me to give this to the woman I love, the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with, the woman I want to have a future with. I love you and I want you to have it, so marry me, Hermione Jean Granger."

By this time, Draco had slid down from the couch to one knee, holding the box with the ring in one hand and mine in the other. I couldn't stop the tears as they slipped down my cheeks. I smiled, trying my best to hide the excitement bubbling in my chest, and looked into his eyes for a moment before nodding my head as my approval and agreement.

Draco broke into the widest smile I have ever seen him and wore the ring for me, which magically fit my slender ring finger. As Draco returned to the couch, I flung myself on him, straddling his lap, as I embraced him tightly, sobbing into his shoulder for the second time that day. Wrapping his arms around my abdomen, he kissed my cheek and wiped the tears from my face before bringing his lips onto mine. As we kissed, we could hear the loud noises of fireworks from the far distance, signalling the new year.

"Happy new year, love," he said, pulling back slightly and wiping my tears with his thumbs.

"Happy new year, Draco."

For full story, head over to my tumblr: kawaiisempaidesu.tumblr.com/tagged/myworks

GAMESTART 2014 (26 Oct / Day 2) | GAME HEAVEN!

Greetings, adventurers!

Has it been a great weekend for all? I hope so, because it certainly has been a blast for me. But yes, the time has come where I lay down my unsettling thoughts - awesome and not-so-awesome - down to words for the world to read. (Sorry this took so long - I had a crappy vlog to quickly edit and not forgetting, school! Blegh).

If you have been keeping up with the world of conventions in Singapore, you would have known about GameStart 2014, which was held from 25-26 October at Singapore Suntec Convention & Exhibition Centre. Check out their facebook page here for more details (because that's just way easier for me and you, no?): GameStart Asia

So I went for GameStart on the second and last day (26 October, Sunday) and of course I went with my lovely bae Kize King. We didn't fully cosplay because we came for the games, so of course we needed to wear something that's comfortable to walk in crowds. Hence, we opted these cute matchy and cheeky batgirl outfits. We did a photoshoot with these outfits beforehand and you can look them up here: http://itsjustizzie.blogspot.sg/2014/10/first-photoshoot-gamestart-2014-preview.html. Halfway through, we dropped the masks because they were just being annoying.

I'd like to make a note here that I wasn't in tiptop condition - I was sick with a blocked nose and a splitting headache as well as a disgustingly nasal voice. But hey, I came despite feeling so horrible and I had a great time.

Our day started with us all decked out in our getup and with our one-day tickets, we received our wristbands and entered the event hall. It was just one hall and the mood felt exactly like when you enter a lan/gaming shop - the lighting was extremely dim and the only lights came from the stage and various booths everywhere. For someone with night blindness, it was very challenging for me to move around. Not five minutes into the event hall, I was already bumping into people.

As a gamer, especially a fresh one, it was literally a game heaven. Looking at all the gaming stations and all the games they featured, it was enough to send me over the moon and back. We visited every booth but we didn't manage to try out many of the booths because almost every spot was taken by other gamers, which was a huge bummer.

There wasn't much to do at the booths, except playing the games or watching others play the game. So throughout the day, we just walked through the event hall then exited and then we'd enter the hall again in hopes to find something interesting to do. Around these times, we were searching for cosplay friends or cosplayers with interesting cosplays inside and outside of the event hall.

HOW ADORABLE IS THIS PIKACHU CUTIE!!

this Cloud cosplayer is gorgeous, i love it so much!

At this point of time, we were already on the hunt for Sempai4Lyfe aka S4L. If you have yet to watch the vlog on my YouTube, or if you have and you are confused with what was going on, here's the backstory: Basically, Kize King has a cosplay sempai that she has been infatuated with for a really really long time, long before we started cosplay even (and that's a good three years). And this sempai, which we are going to call S4L, came for GameStart as well. And we tried so hard looking for S4L, up and down, left and right, in and out but he never appeared anywhere. Kize was not amused by the fact that she didn't get to get a selfie with her S4L but I was having a lot of fun as a third party. So this happened for the entire day, until the end of our day in the evening, so I do not wish to repeat this for the entire blog.

Now that I've cleared that up, let's move on with our day. While walking around, we bumped into our good friend, Rayray Tigercub, who is by far the best Deadpool cosplayer that I've met. And the sweetest one too. For Rayray, that day was a big one because he was participating in the cosplay competition, and Kize and I were obviously rooting for him like hardcore fangirls. Read on to find out how he fared in the competition.

After bumping into Deadpool many times and still tirelessly hunting for S4L, we went in back to the event hall and we joined the stage crowd for the showcases. The first showcase we joined was the Bloodborne game showcase. It is a new game, with amazingly beautiful graphics and sound systems. The gameplay is interesting too, and the producer (who's from Japan) actually led us through until they reached the final boss, where he actually managed to kill it at the end. It is definitely a game Kize and I will try on her PS3 but we'd never play it at night - else we'll shit bricks with all the spooky characters and setting.

After Bloodborne, we went for the "Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm Revolution" showcase, where gamers had a duel with the producer of the game (who cutely dressed up as Naruto). Of course, Kize and I were squealing every time somebody chose an awesome character, especially if both the characters had a special meaning pertaining the anime.

Right after that, it was the cosplay competition. There were many cosplayers who were so talented, whether in craftsmanship or in entertainment, but I have major respect for those with huge props that are perfectly crafted. We waited patiently and then Rayray came on and he KILLED IT! He was amazing on stage as Deadpool, it was like literally seeing the real Deadpool doing the nonsense that he always does. If you haven't watched his performance, you can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OK7ZPxjK9c8

And guess what? He won the Best Stage Performance title! How awesome is that?! Kize and I were obviously over the moon squealing and screaming in joy for our dear friend. Did I mention he said he was nervous before the competition? Watch that video and tell me that's bullcrap.

Now, right after Rayray's performance, both Kize and I had to leave immediately for the loo. And this is where things get even more interesting, especially for me. Kize and I were already flustered from screaming so much for Rayray during his performance as we were leaving the event hall, and upon stepping out of the exit, there were some guys standing just outside and one caught my eye. Only one name popped into my head but I was like 'No, that can't be him... Can it?'

By this time, I was turning back to look at the said guy, who I exchanged an awkward eye contact moment just moment before while all these thought processes cranked around in my head. I asked Kize but she was confused because she doesn't play Dragon Nest. Now you must be wondering who it is, don't you?

Now, for me to actually go up to someone who is like a sempai figure, it usually takes me at least 3 tries. (I have social anxiety, its challenging for me to go up to people in general). But you know what? I just stuffed social anxiety into the cupboard, locked it up and just went for it. I went back my steps and tapped his shoulder and asked "Hi, are you Adriano Wong?" I was not expecting to say "Yeah" with A SMILE! OMG I COULD DIE MY HEART WAS ABOUT TO BURST OUT OF MY CHEST. Then I asked if I could take a picture with him and he was okay with it. While I was trying to control my overflowing euphoria, I realized he was so confused like as though he was thinking "Why is this chick with cat ears asking for a picture with me, and how does she know me?" And so I told him I played Dragon Nest and he was like "Oh! Addison is here too!"

MY RIBCAGE WAS CRACKING FROM MY SWELLING HEART. If you're not up to date with Dragon Nest SEA, Adriano Wong is one of the popular Game Masters in the game - he's also known as GM Adriano - and Addison Kang is the producer of DN SEA. THAT IS NO JOKE. I literally saw these important men of my favourite online game of all time BY CHANCE! How lucky could a girl get.

Right after we snapped a picture, I thanked him (I hope I did) and fled to the ladies and my hands were shaking and my legs felt like jelly. If you're wondering why I'm making such a huge fuss about this, as a girl gamer, you don't find such a good-looking gamer like GM Adriano all the time. I'd like to call him a hot geek gamer, and not just a gamer, he's a GM too. I thought it would take me years to finally meet these dudes, because I'm still not pro enough to attend the gatherings and parties. But hey, I guess luck was on my side on that day.

After visiting the loo and unsuccessfully calming myself from that once in a blue moon encounter, we returned to the event hall to reunite with Rayray and took some selfies with the champion!

After that, we just went around playing at some booths that were free because the crowd started dissipating. It didn't last long because time was running out and S4L has not been found yet.

Finally, I managed to convince Kize that it was just not meant to be and that she'd have her revenge during AFA. And that is how our day ended. It was a hectic day, as you can see, coming from my position. I tried my best to organize everything the best of my capabilities, but if its messy, I humbly apologize. If you haven't watched my vlog, watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KBRo6FiqJU

I hope you enjoy reading my personal account of my first experience at GameStart. Kize and I had a blast and we'll definitely go for the next one in 2015. Can't wait! Can't wait!!


Thank you for reading this post! Till the next event blog, take care!

Hoshi Miharu x

'In Between' | A metaphor for social anxiety

Well, hey there rainbow sprinklers! I did not plan to write this blog post or anything like that. It was a normal evening and I was scrolling through my Tumblr dashboard when I came across this particular post. As it is titled, it says "The blue crocodile in this short film is one of the best metaphor for depression". However, the GIFs following that did not coincide with my knowledge of depression.

Now, I do not have long-term depression, but I do have them at some times every month - its a girl thing. So I understand what depression feels like, and it definitely isn't like what was depicted in the visuals. However, I must say that I relate closely to every single GIF and that's when I realize - the crocodile is a metaphor for social anxiety.

(I must add, though, that some people associate the crocodile to shyness as well. I have no objections with that, but for this blog post, I have a heavy preference towards social anxiety.)

So now, I'm gonna explain intricately on why I love this video so much, and why it is a very educational film at that.

What is the film about? 

The film is named 'In Between' by Gobelins, a film production crew that originates from France, I assume. As stated in the description box, the video is about "a young woman (who) is being followed by a crocodile who represents her shyness. As he makes her life a living (hell), she tries by every means to get rid of him."

How is it a metaphor? 

Instance 1: You can't get rid of it 

The start of the video, after the woman was diagnosed of having a "crocodile", she tried to get rid of it by throwing it out of the window/balcony. Oh boy, if only it were that easy - I would have been a social bug right now, making many great new friends easily.  I've thrown my crocodile out the window so many times for the past 10 years and its still here. It's not going anywhere. It's staying with me for life, and I've come to terms with it.

Instance 2: It follows you everywhere

Now, this imagery is so strong and I really love it. I already find it annoying when someone or something is constantly on your tail. So to have such an annoying thing like social anxiety constantly breathing down your neck, it will affect your daily life and it does eventually. What happens in this GIF here is only just the tip of the iceberg.

Instance 3: It affects your presentations 

Yes, yes, I know. All of us have this. It is very common for everybody to get very nervous and sometimes anxious during presentations, especially towards superiors.  But for those with social anxiety, no matter how prepared you are, no matter how many courses you take in presentation skills, the crocodile is there to muck up your presentation, whether or not you can see the crocodile.

 know it sounds crazy, but as someone with social anxiety, we are constantly pressured and stressed about people's judgments and presentations are the last things we enjoy doing. And then we also have to deal with our social anxiety that constantly throws us off throughout the whole presentation. And it doesn't only happen for presentations - public speaking, stage performances, etc.

Instance 4: Trying to make an impression to a cute person

I cannot stress how true this is. There were plenty - and by plenty, I mean PLENTY A LOT - of times when I've wanted to approach people that caught my eyes, whether they were cute or not but guess who tried to screw me up? You guessed it, bloody social anxiety.

Now, this is pretty normal to many, considering its normal to be nervous when approaching strangers, right? But with social anxiety, you'll be dead in your tracks, staring at the person from afar and your mind raging with negative thoughts, overthinking about the other party judging you for your mistakes or your stumbles or your looks or you - the list can go on. To put it bluntly, social anxiety can be a cockblocker.

Instance 5: Social anxiety controls you when you're out in public 

This part was really short in the video but it is the most accurate of all - I just cannot stress how important this part was. This is when the crocodile constantly made circles around the woman while she was having coffee by herself at a cafe.

Now, before I continue, I am also an introvert - I greatly value solitude. I've been in many situations where I am always alone amongst a bunch of other sociable people. Don't get me wrong - I am not anti-social, I can talk to people just fine. But sometimes it can get overwhelming and I would prefer having some alone time to 'recharge'. Introverts will understand this trait very well.

So because I love solitude, doesn't mean I despise interacting with new people. I love meeting new people, but when the crocodile is on a rampage it stops me completely. And if you look closely, the woman has a very bored look. Trust me, I get sick of my crocodile controlling my social activities outside.

Instance 6: Picking up phone calls

To some, this may seem very absurd. Even when I think about it, I can't even explain myself how this works, but it happens.

Before I knew I had social anxiety, I've always had this fear of picking up phone calls - plainly because I was afraid of the person at the other end of the line judging how I sounded on the phone. I still do but it isn't as bad.

I've grown to learn to pick up calls, but it isn't enough. There are times when I receive phone calls by saved numbers in my contacts and I still fear answering them. You ask why? I have no answer to that - I just do. 

Instance 7: Try many, many methods to get rid of it

The funny part about this video is that social anxiety is depicted as an annoying yet cute croc, where you get to kick it into a river, stuff it into your closet and throw all sorts of things at it. Oh boy, if only life were that interesting - I would've done more things than that.

But in real world news, I've tried many things to try and get rid of this social anxiety problem. Of course, before I knew I had it, I thought I just had a problem with public speaking, so I made sure I trained myself in that department. I even went through so many leadership workshops and took up many leader roles. But guess what? The croc's still here and it ain't leaving.

Instance 8: It gets sickening and it ain't leaving, ever

After all your efforts trying to get rid of it, it gets a bit sickening to know its always there - to stop you from doing things, to annoy you for the rest of your life. No matter what you do, its still going to be there, ruining your life bit by bit.

It can be overwhelming at one point of time, because everything you do seems to be halted and disturbed because of social anxiety. And knowing the fact that this crocodile will never ever leave can be pretty terrifying and daunting. It practically is a huge reminder that your life will never be same again. Some might not take it well, some might still be hanging on by a single thread. But eventually, it will get to them when it gets severe and normal daily functioning becomes dysfunctional. And that's a fact.

Instance 9: Lesson learnt - live with it

It definitely took me a while to get used to the fact that there was something wrong with me, especially when I found out it was social anxiety this whole time. I thought it would be a hindrance to my daily life - which it actually is. But I gradually learned not to look at it in a negative light, that it was a disorder, a disability that hindered me from meeting new people.

The crocodile in this video was just a little sweet innocent thing, trying to somehow protect the woman from many things, somehow show concern for the woman. It never meant harm to her, it just was worried for her. Same thing with social anxiety, you overthink about things too much when you're supposed to worry about for only a minute before trying it out.

Conquering this crocodile can't be through violent means - just like forcing the thoughts out by many means or trying to distract yourself through pain by whatever means. What strike me the most from the ending of this video is when the woman said 'Don't worry' to the crocodile. 

In real life, she would basically be telling herself not to worry about it. To me right now, it seems absurd. I've done that hundreds of times in front of the mirror, and it never worked because it would just overwhelm me, no matter what. But I figured it will take some time before I would be like the woman here - where I can just simply tell my crocodile 'Don't worry' and everything will go smoothly afterwards. And I believe that day will come soon, with plenty of patience and perseverance as well as a strong heart & mind.

I've completely strayed away from what I intended to write, which was an analysis of the video, and ended up with a personal reflection. But I really hope this video educates other people about this anxiety disorder. It is such a refreshing way to teach people about it, the animation isn't that bad, the graphics are stunning, the characterization is superb as well. And most importantly, the message is clearly portrayed.

I shall edit this blogpost another time because I reckon there's plenty grammar mistakes everywhere. Thanks for reading!


Izzie x

T a k e t h e p l u n g e .

Sweaty hands. Numb feet. Rapid breathing. Woozy in the head. A weird feeling in the tummy.

What is this feeling?

I am still sitting on the edge of my bed, yet I’m looking at the view from a rooftop of a tall skyscraper in the heart of Manhattan city.

How did I end up here?

The wind is vicious here, the angry sun baking my bare shoulders up high from behind and the clouds seem to be floating nearer and nearer to me. It was a beautiful day and the skyline of the city was almost breathtaking. This is not excitement I’m feeling – this is fear.

Why am I feeling this way?

My feet hung precariously close to the edge of the building and I could feel the edge of the concrete building with the tips of my toes. My hands still grasped the bedsheets underneath me like it was my lifeline. It was as though I could tumble off the building by a small gust of wind and plunge down the depths of whatever human activity is below.

Am I supposed to take the plunge?

Slowly lowering my gaze below the stunning horizon before me, I took a peek at the bottom, my hands still tightly clenching the comforter underneath. The roads were like a maze and every sort of vehicle filled every space. People walked down the pavements on the sides of the road at different paces. Some walked slowly, some were rushing, some bumped into each other. The sight of so much activity overwhelmed me and I straightened my back, taking a deep breath, just realizing I haven’t been breathing the whole time.

What am I supposed to do now?

Suddenly, there was a buzz from my bed and I turned to my left to see my phone, receiving a call. I am still in my room. I am still in my sanctuary. There was no vicious wind, there was no angry sun, there was no humongous cloud floating inches from my face. I am still in my room.

I looked at my phone for a good minute until the call was missed. A text came two seconds later and extending a shaky hand out, I held the phone and read the text.

Are you coming for the reunion?

Reunion. Friends. Old friends. Old lovers. Acquaintances. Enemies. Frenemies. Friends who turned their backs on you. Lovers who betrayed you. Best friends who saw the worst of you. History. Past. Past events. Events that changed you. Changed you for the worse, for the better. Events that broke relationships. Broken relationships with old friends. Friends who are coming to see old friends after some time. Will the broken bond mend itself back? What if it was never meant to be? Were all the memories gone to waste? Were they ever worth the fight? The ones who stayed are the ones who matter. Don’t fight for those who left you behind. And don’t disappoint the friends who stuck by you. Be a great friend and go for it.

I looked up and there it was again – the stunning blue sky, the ginormous fluffy clouds, the blazing sun at the back, the ferocious wind trying to pry me off the bed and down the terrifying depth below. I closed my eyes and took a minute to breathe slowly. After I regained my breaths, I opened my eyes to my room once again and replied the text message:

No. You have fun with the rest.

And this was not the first time it ever happened.

---

In commemoration of World Mental Health Day (10 Oct), I thought I'd write a little short story about my 'first' anxiety attack, I'm not entirely sure if this is the first, but it is definitely the first that I can associate with anxiety. I just recently found out that I have symptoms of social anxiety but I've yet to seek professional help.

I'm just glad that when I found out about this, I already have a community of other sufferers that I can turn to. Even if I don't end up being diagnosed with this disorder, at least I know how it feels like to have a mental illness and how to help someone if they're having a panic attack or somewhere along the lines.

Have a great day!

Izzie x

Taking a chance. (Oct 5th)

Just a couple hours ago, my aunt who lives in the states Skype-called me to talk to me about some things. One, she’s sending my favourite tea leaf bags through air mail because Mighty Leaf tea does not ship to Singapore, sadly. Just so you know, their “Green Tea Passion” green tea is bloody amazing, you have no idea! (And its light caffeine!) So yay for more good tea!

But on a more serious note, the second thing was that she wanted to talk me into coming over to her place. She has been doing this for a very long time now, ever since I was still in my pre-teens. Back then, it sounded ridiculous - I couldn’t find enough time to travel there and I could never save up that much money while studying in mainstream government schools. But now, at 19, and graduating in less than 6 months, the idea seems more vivid and workable.

Of course, the idea of graduation is extremely daunting. 6 months is not that long and before you know it, I’ll be in my graduation robes and receiving my diploma. But what do I do after that? I’ve been running away from that dread of making huge life decisions in that near future, but I know I cannot run away forever, or even hide from it. Eventually, it will come knocking on my door and beat some sense into me, saying

"When the hell are you gonna start getting a life for yourself? You’re better than this!" 

Now, I’ve been through many transitions in my 19 years of life. Kindergarten to primary school to secondary school to polytechnic. Yeah, been there, done that. But you have to agree with me that those are very petty issues compared to this one where its transitioning from school to work life. Maybe its just me, but as a person who doesn’t deal with change very well, its a pretty big deal.

And because its a big deal, I’ve never really sat down and thought about what I would do once I’ve graduated.

Will I continue working for the company I interned for?
Will I continue studying into university?
Will I get married?
Will I find some other field of career?
Will I be happy? 

These questions haunt me whenever I try to think about the dreaded ‘After Graduation Plans’. But running away isn’t going to work forever.

That is why when I had this talk with my aunt, about going over to the states and looking at the opportunities a foreign country brings, my view widened. I’ve been tormented with depression-like symptoms over the past few weeks and my outlook on life hasn’t been looking so great. But now that someone has pried into and past my barriers and showed me the possibilities of the what the world has in store, it honestly feels refreshing. It feels like there is a chance for me to find my potential, my passion, my self. My aunt also said something that was really an eye-opener:

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." 

I don’t know what the future brings, and it can be daunting at times. Yeah, graduation means you have to start work life, you have to be a responsible adult, you have to make plenty life decisions. But graduation can also mean diving into all the opportunities that the world brings and discovering something new about yourself. There are plenty of daunting things that will stop you from doing something, but all you have to do is take a chance and trust yourself.

Take things slow, do them wholeheartedly and believe. 

Whether or not I take this chance totally and make it to the end, which is to purchase a flight ticket to Ohio with all my savings, I don’t know. No one knows what the future will bring, but I’ve always believed that you can control which lane you’re taking in that expressway called life: the half-assed lane or the full-throttle lane. Ultimately, its your choice, its your life.

Thanks for reading <3

Izzie x

Rediscovering hidden chests of treasure. (Sept 14th)

Recently, I’ve been going back to visit my asianfanfics account that I made in 2009. I haven’t been there regularly for almost three years due to academic priorities and co-curricular commitments and declining lack of interest in writing.

On the hunt 

Despite stepping out of the writing scene (in the fan fiction world), I’ve continued reading fan fictions, but I move from fandom to fandom. Right now, I am addicted to Dramione fan fictions, well-written with deep plots. After about a year or so of reading fantastically written novels, I thought ‘Hey, why not look back to my own fanfics?’ And so I did.

Finding the gold 

Honestly, the stories in my asianfanfics account aren’t very fantastic like the ones I read. Then again, the stories there are written by my younger self when I was going through the ups and downs of puberty hormones. I was a very kinky kid, and that is just putting it nicely.

Good treasure

But to be really frank, I have some really good ones, and I was a lucky author where I received plenty of positive comments. They swelled my heart and drove me to writing more. Reading my stories and the comments by the other readers make me smile tremendously and whenever I read an uncompleted one, I wonder why I never completed it and why I don’t intend to. 

Not so good treasure 

And then there are the bad ones. Well, these aren’t bad like they were written atrociously. Its bad in a sense where, I write about my deepest darkest dirtiest desires in my teenage years. (Just look at that intense alliteration.)

So yes, to answer that burning question in your head, I do write smut. Like really dirty smut. At the puny age of 16. I also wonder how I was so informed and knowledgeable of such things at such a young age. (I blame it on puberty.)

Continue

Don’t be offended, youngsters. If you’re 16 and you also write smut, if not dirtier smut, just continue living the dream. I certainly didn’t regret writing those during the stress of the impending doom called ‘O’ Levels. It helps to clear the mind… as ironic as it sounds.

Iceberg on sight

Like I mentioned before, I never regretted taking this path of writing fan fictions, smutty or not. They helped me to discover my passion for writing and to share my works with other people who share the same passion. I truly miss that feeling when I finally complete a story, especially a long chaptered one, but the writer’s block I have right now is immense so I opt to draw, sketch and paint my creative juices. Slowly but surely, I’ll hop on back to the bandwagon of writing. 

Come find my loot 

If you want to read my fanfics, you can click the link on the first line of this little post, or you can just fine me at joker_carpediem. I write mostly about the boybands Beast/B2ST, Big Bang, Infinite and B.A.P. I’m not as fanatic about them now, but I’m still loyal to their music. Aww yeah.

Do what you love, and love what you do. 

Thank you for reading this weird post. x

A walk in the park.

Yellow. Red. Orange. Brown. Autumn’s here. 

White cotton candy clouds scattered across the bright blue sky as the sun rays filtered through the gaps, warming the ground beneath despite the cold weather. A light wind breezed by, swirling the leaves of warm hues littered all over the stone pathway and messing up my brown locks again.

Sweeping my hair from my face and tucking it behind my ear, I sipped on my still-warm Starbucks latte as I strolled down towards the other end of the park. I glanced down and watched the leaves float about around my brown knee-high boots, kicking the small piles and scattering them all about. As I reached the turn, a couple of kids – a 7-year old on a training bicycle and a 5-year-old on a tricycle – came pedaling and I managed to avoid them before they barreled into me.

I smiled at them before continuing to walk, where the view of the ocean was already visible. The breeze was strong coming from the ocean, whipping my hair all about, and I pulled my coat tighter around me, tucking my hand into my pocket. Reaching the white concrete railing separating the park from the rocky coast, I placed my Starbucks cup down. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the salty breeze.

It’s been so long.

The strong waves crashed upon the rough rocks, water splashing everywhere and the breeze carrying the water droplets, dispersing them further into air. Before I could get wet any further, I grabbed my cup of latter and sipped on the warm beverage as I walked down the pathway towards a particular bench. 

Glancing at my watch, I was five minutes early from the time that was agreed upon.

I took my time to get there, walking slowly and watching other people at the park. A couple of joggers running past each other and managing a smile to each other. A group of teenage boys racing down the pathway on their skateboards. A young family of three sitting on a bench reading a storybook while munching on some sandwiches. An elderly couple walking hand-in-hand with wide smiles on their faces. Two 6-year-old twin boys teaching their young Siberian husky to play fetch. A couple sitting on the parapet and gazing at the horizon. Finally, I reached the bench and it was unoccupied.

Taking a seat, I placed my bag down and dug through for my book. With my latte seated safely beside my lap, I started reading. Not even five minutes later I noticed a presence to my left. Glancing through my peripheral vision, it was a man, roughly the same age as me, wearing an expensive-looking high-collared black coat with black pants. He had black Ray-Ban shades perched on the bridge of his tall and sharp nose, and he’d been keeping some facial hair for some time. But none of that mattered into identifying the said person – his platinum blonde hair was all the proof I needed.

“You’re late.” 

The man leaned back and chuckled – that wonderful low-tone laugh. Oh, how I’ve missed that.

“I got held back.”

He lifted his hand and took off his shades, slipping them into the inner pocket of his coat. I kept my eyes on my book as he turned around in his seat, hitching his right foot on his left knee and placing his arm on the back of the bench. He reached out and took the book out of my grasp easily, carefully closing it and placing it down on my lap.

I kept my eyes forward, trying my best to keep myself cool despite the weather. His finger grazed my cheekbone and trailed along my jaw before he tucked it under my chin and turned my face towards him. Finally, I looked up at him and I immediately forgot how to breathe.

His face had changed over the two years and the scruffy beard definitely changed his appearance drastically. Despite almost looking like a complete stranger, some things never change. His eyes, his beautiful blue-gray almost silver eyes. Even after such a long time, I can get lost in that stunning abyss for eternity.

And that smirk – that trademark of his that he donned on ever since his childhood days. Of course, at that point of time, I despised him, but right now, a lot has changed and this smirk is what melts me into a puddle every time.

“Oh, I missed you so much.”

His warm breath brushed against my lips for a second as he whispered and before I realized it, he leaned in and took my breath away with his lips. Turning my head slightly for easier access, I felt his hands drape around my body. I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing him flushed against my body. As he slipped his tongue past my lips, I tilted my chin higher and let my hand run through his soft blonde locks.

A passionate minute later, I pulled away, gasping for air and finding myself on his lap, while my eyes stay locked on his beautiful silver orbs. He flashed a small pearly smile while trying to regain his breathing and I returned it, reaching up to cradle his face in my hands.

“It’s been too long.”

“Way too long.”

I started pushing against his chest to get off his lap but his arms stayed intact around me. He managed another quick kiss before letting go of me. I sat back down on the bench and tried to recollect myself, running my hand through my hair and brushing my coat from non-existent debris.

As I kept my book back into my purse, I noticed a pair of mahogany John Lobb’s in front of me. I looked up and noticed him standing with a hand extended and warm smile on his lips.

“Shall we have a proper catch-up session over lunch, Miss Granger?”

I smiled at him, slinging my purse and grabbing my forgotten Starbucks cup, and placed my hand in his, letting him pull me up on my feet.

“Of course, we shall, Mr. Malfoy.”

S I L E N C E .

It was a beautiful cloudless night. Nothing obstructed the rays from the bright moon high up in the black velvet sky. The breeze was strong as they fluttered the leaves in the trees and the curtains by open windows. It was a beautiful night, to some. 

In a humble 3-room flat, tension overflowed the small windows. It even seeped through the cracks along the aging paint on the walls. The tension was thick and heavy, and the silence that accompanied it made it even more uncomfortable. Hugging her knees tightly to her chest, Andrea pressed her back against the dusty wall beside her closet. A small, curled up figure wedged in the deepest corner she could find in her room, she listened for any sounds emitting beyond her room door. Her shoulders still tense, she pried her hands from her ears, immersing herself into the silence that suddenly filled the air. After the yelling, screaming, shouting, door-slamming, glass-breaking and fist-pounding on flesh, the silence that followed felt like the recognizable peace of an aftermath after a natural disaster.

A minute of tense stillness later, Andrea dared a tiny foot forward, uncurling from her position. Still clutching on to her teddy bear like it was her lifeline, she carefully stepped out from the safety of the corner and looked around. Her room was still the same as it was. Taking a deep breath, she got on her feet and tiptoed silently to her door. Pulling it back gently, Andrea peeked out only enough for her right eye to view the living room directly outside. A soft gasp escaped her lips at the horrifying scene before her.

Cushions were scattered everywhere. The furniture had been shifted drastically as though it had been stirred by a tornado. The glass tabletop of the coffee table was shattered into pieces. The once-beautiful flowers were strewn and soiled in a puddle of water on the floor and shards of what used to be her mother’s favourite vase. Yes, Andrea knew that the quarelling and arguments were frequent, but her parents’ fights had never resulted in such a shocking mess. Taking a small step forward, she looked around and realized she was alone. She glanced at the front door and noticed the gate ajar and swinging gently with the breeze outside.

Mummy and Daddy left, Andrea thought as she looked towards the kitchen. The other man with Mummy probably left too.

Andrea returned into her room, switched on her night lamp and sat on her bed, placing her teddy bear in front of her. Mustering a smile, she reached out to pat her teddy bear’s head.

"It’s really quiet now," Andrea said quietly, grabbing her stuffed toy and embracing it tightly. "At least I’ll always have you."

The days after went on normally as though nothing had happened, but Andrea noticed the stark changes. Her parents were never in the same room together, and even if they did, they never interacted for even a second. Andrea, being an inquisitive and intelligent four-year-old, feels the burning desire to ask either of her parents why they were acting like that. Both of them never neglected her, but when brought into the same room, Andrea was deafened with the familiar silence again. When inquired by her, both her parents would just smile and excuse themselves. Despite her parents constant efforts to take care of Andrea’s well-being, Andrea had never felt lonelier in her four years of life.

The silence grew on her. The silence seeped into her skin and she grew accustomed to it. She was quieter than before, more reserved and less cheerful. Her friends in kindergarten would ask why she was upset. They would try to cheer her up but their attempts would be in vain. Andrea despised interacting with her peers. Soon, her teachers began noticing the sudden changes in her attitude. During classes where all the children will share happy stories of their family, Andrea will always be the last to share. Sometimes she refused to share or say anything at all. She would stay in class while her friends go out to play, silently crying and trying to swallow her soundless sobs.

It was a lot worse at home. The silence was thundering. Andrea would not play with her dolls and teddy bears because it was too quiet in the house. She was afraid to break the silence. Sitting cross-legged on her bed, her favourite teddy bear in her lap, she stared into an empty space on her wall, listening carefully to the soft shuffling of footsteps outside of her room. There was a sound of a chair scraping, her mother’s angry voice and then her father’s before she heard the thundering sound of a loud slap. Clasping her hands over her ears, she curled up into a ball as she tucked her knees under her chin, letting a small tear slip past her lashes and down her cheek. It was unbearable for Andrea to handle this on her own. She resorted to the first option that a four-year-old would think of.

That night, once the silence returned, Andrea drew a simple map with crayons and tried to remember the directions to her favourite aunt’s house. Once the map was done, she zipped up her small Dora The Explorer bag, full of her favourite toys and her water bottle, while holding on to her teddy bear’s hand. Well-prepared, she mustered up what courage she had left and headed out of her room. Her father left the door open again, a common sight whenever he went out for a late night drink. Strapping on her sandals, Andrea took one last look at her home - a home that she used to love with all her heart - and strutted down  the corridor.

Andrea did not know how long she had been walking, but her legs were getting tired. She sat at an empty bus stop and stretched out her tiny tired feet, taking a sip of water from her water bottle. Referring to her self-drawn map, she looked around the place. Her hope of finding her aunt’s place was fast depleting. She knew she had to take one of the buses, but she didn’t know which one took her to her aunt’s house. She didn’t even have those cards her parents use to board the bus. She started sobbing quietly when she realized how bad her situation was, sniffling into her teddy bear, when she heard her name being called. It was a faint call, muffled by the noise of the cars passing by, but Andrea recognized the voices. She recognized her mother’s voice as well as her father’s.

It was like music to her ears, like a deaf person gaining the ability to hear. 

Her searching eyes found them across the road, waving frantically at her. Her mother was crying with relief while her father was trying to get across road. The four-year-old jumped off the seat, a wide smile stretching across her tired face. She was so happy to see that both her parents had found her and they were together. It was hope to little Andrea’s broken heart, like butterflies swarming into her dead garden. She ran straight towards them with her arms stretched out. She was overflowing with happiness, she was not aware of that her father was shouting at her to stop. Despite their hardest efforts to stop her, her parents helplessly watched as Andrea’s little world was engulfed by bright headlights, a loud blaring honk, violently bursting their small world of silence.

Originally written by my 16-year-old self, three years ago.
This work is purely fiction, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.