My Transformation Story

Everybody has their own story to tell. I have quite a handful of my own that I want to share but today, I shall unfold a personal story of how I became the person who I am right now.

Change is a beautiful thing, that many are grateful for and many repulse at. Because change can be pleasant or unpleasant, or both at the same time.

Everybody changes. Every single living thing on the face of the Earth has gone through a phase/many phases in their lifetime where they experience change - physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, environmentally, etc. We've all been through some sort of change, and I'm pretty sure, we've all experienced many changes in our lives. 

While all of us have experienced change some point(s) in our lives, not many of us transformed. I couldn't help but wonder if I actually went through a transformation, but when I look back at the past decade, of who I was ten years ago and who I am today, I went through a heck of transformation.

And it ain't even a cool thing like being a Transformer (of course, you need to be a machine made of metal parts to be one, so I don't make the cut). It almost frightened me at how much I changed over the years.

This isn't going to be a weird and creepy story where the past ten years I slowly turn into an alien or vampire or mythical being. No. Although being a hippogriff would be amazing, there's nothing too drastic in this transformation story. This is simply a story of how a geeky nerdy girl who doesn't believe in being lady-like grew to be a decent lady who cares about her presentation to others. (I know, very cliche.)

As a young teenager at the age of 13, I was a lover for books. I loved going to the library and I would hoard all the Young Adult fiction novels and read them all day and night wherever I go. I was also very mad with pop music. I was a big fan of Fall Out Boy from the age of 10 (and still am, ten years on) but I was a bigger fan of the K-Pop industry. Yes, I worshiped all these suave pretty South Korean pop idols at one point of time.

Moving on from my past interests, I had very very terrible eyesight, which stemmed from my irresponsible habit of reading in low-lighting and watching TV really closely. Among my friends, I had the thickest glasses and at that point of time, I loved wearing frameless spectacles so everybody could see how bloody thick they were. (They were so bad that every year I had to change them and my degree increases by 1.00!) 

Also, I was a pretty versatile girl, in a way that I find myself having a tomboy personality on most days and some days I wanted to feel a little cuter (like girls my age were supposed to be). Of course, I felt the most comfortable in my almost-tomboy self (I say almost because I love doing what boys do but I still wanted to remain a girl). Now that I think about it, I was most probably gender-fluid. 

One thing that I want to highlight - I was totally against prettying up. As simple as replacing glasses with contact lenses to wearing light makeup, I disliked it, especially when my best friends do it. There was a time in primary school, I was 11 or 12, I made my best friend (at that time) cry because she wore contact lenses for class photo-taking and I absolutely hated it. Quick note, from present me, I hate 12-year-old me for doing that and would've given myself a straight uppercut for hurting my friend's feelings and not apologizing.

Of course, as I grew up, I grew out of that phase slowly and became more open-minded about all my girl friends trying to make themselves pretty. But I was stubborn and thought "what's the point of putting on makeup when true beauty comes from within?" You have to agree with me, I had a point but still, I was a knuckle-head. 

 Now that you know quite a lot of young Izzie, let's continue the journey of growing up. This journey consists of two parts - before the age of 17 and after the age of 17. Basically, if you hadn't inferred enough from that, 17 was the age where I started changing quite a lot, appearance-wise and morale-wise.

Up until the age of 16, right before I graduated secondary school, the year of my national examinations, I was still a 'sneakers, hoodie & baggy shorts' kinda girl. After I graduated, I started to try new things. Quick note, I have been trying a lot of things - like dresses, skirts, tight tops, heels. I wouldn't say that I didn't like them, but young Izzie would've said "This isn't me." 

When I got into polytechnic, I was still kind of the same nerdy girl - thick glasses, baggy hoodie, jeans, sneakers and a camouflage-coloured backpack. Yeah, those were the days. As the days, weeks and months go by, I learned a lot of things and one of it is that first impression counts. 

Of course, 16-year-old Izzie wanted everyone to know that she was a hardcore nerd who loved to scroll through Tumblr and watch K-Pop music videos in lecture and has a very tomboyish fashion style. And she did succeed in that, but at the same time, she wanted to change things a little. 

So I tried wearing skirts to school whenever I had presentations, and then I wore them as a part of a normal outfit. I wore a little tinted lip balm and then started wearing sheer-coloured lipsticks on a daily basis. I would wear tighter tops, low-neck tops, crop tops. I would even carry tote bags instead of backpacks.

I would admit, this is slightly due to peer influence. I see all these girls in my class, lectures and campus wearing really nicely and I thought, "Why not try and give effort into my daily outfit?" And I tried, but I just couldn't commit every single day. But I had to admit, after all that trying, it felt good to wear something that made you feel confident. At that point, nothing made me confident so I went for what was comfortable - hoodies, sneakers and shorts.

OI admit that half of me wanted to fit in. I've always been the kind of girl who wanted to be different but at the same time, blend in with the wallpaper (and in fact, I still do). Yeah, I know, I'm insane for wishing for that to be true. But that is how stubborn and introverted I am. Even up till now.

So anyways, I slowly wore dresses to school, I carried handbags, I wore flats, put on eyeliner but I still had my glasses. Those babies stay. I've been subtly wearing nicer things to perk up my appearance a little, but doing even more whenever there are graded presentations.

Oddly enough, its the words of compliment and praise - whenever I dress up for a certain event or wear something I normally don't - that motivated me to try even more new things. Most of the time, they compliment how good my legs look whenever I wear a short skirt, or even skinny jeans, which I get very often. I don't take compliments well so I got quite sick of it but I appreciate the thoughts nonetheless.

Moving on to my final year internship, where I got to be an assistant teacher at a school for the intellectually disabled, I started to try get into makeup. Prior to this internship, I attended a compulsory professional grooming workshop and they emphasized a lot on makeup so that you have a good impression to your colleagues and to others.

So by makeup, I meant I just wore concealer, powder, eyeliner and even an eyebrow pencil. I still had my glasses on and I wore sneakers to work because its comfy. I didn't wear fanciful makeup because come on, I was just an intern teacher. Just enough to get by so that my colleagues don't think that I'm a sloppy person.

After internship, I had one last semester in polytechnic and I decided to get a part-time job while studying. It was a retail staff, particularly a fashion jewellery retail store. If you haven't figured it out already, yes, I have to dress up for this job - and that is dress up fancy-schmancy. 

What's more I got located in the heart of town, Orchard, where you see so many fashionable people strut their styles freely. Mind you, by this time, I had already watched plenty of lookbooks and fashion haul videos on YouTube that I had a storage of style inspirations in my brain. 

And this is where many people witnessed the drastic change in me (by people, I mean friends who've been with me before I got this job). I wouldn't say it was drastic because I didn't dress up to school like how I do for work - because that would be an eye-opener and a head-turner.

But people have already seen how I look like during work when I post pictures on Instagram. Week after week, my style improves - fashion-wise and makeup-wise. On some days, when I'm feeling more confident, I'd wear more eyeliner to school, even some jewellery, but on most days, I still prefer to just wear comfortably in my hoodie, shorts and sneakers. But on days when I feel good, I'd add a notch into my styling.

That is where I am today. Thanks to the fashion retail job, I took 'prettying-up' to the next level. Even my 10-year-old me would be repulsed to know that she would become this in the next decade.

But it is the best change ever. I saw myself change into a proper lady, appearance-wise at least. I do still walk, stand and sit like a man (sometimes) but at least I'm more self-conscious about how I look.

Of course, when I wore makeup for work, it was a compulsory thing. But out of work, I wore it to feel good about myself. I don't wear makeup to impress other people. Heck, I don't just wear dresses, pretty skirts, jewellery and all these shenanigans to catch other people's eyes. This ain't no 'sempai notice me' drama.

I do it because I feel confident when I'm prettied up. I do it because I fell in love with makeup. I get to be creative everytime I have work or an occasion to attend to and my face is the canvas. I get to try new things and learn more about my face, my facial features and my skin.

Not just makeup, its the same for my fashion style. I learned about which styles suited me and which don't. I learned about which hideous clothes I needed to trow out and which ones I needed to have as wardrobe essentials.

I learned the bizarre difference between comfortable and confident. Ultimately, we all want to be comfortable and confident at the same time. But to get there, you need to get out of your comfort zone to try new things so that you can be confident in whatever it is you want to be confident in.

In the end, hopefully, comfort and confidence will feel as natural as your skin.

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Hope this post goes out to anybody who is going through a change and is confused about what is going to happen next. Whatever the change is, explore new things and learn more about yourself. Figure out what you want and who you want to be - what is comfortable to you. Then, make the change and be confident about it.

Lots of love,
Izzie


  

'In Between' | A metaphor for social anxiety

Well, hey there rainbow sprinklers! I did not plan to write this blog post or anything like that. It was a normal evening and I was scrolling through my Tumblr dashboard when I came across this particular post. As it is titled, it says "The blue crocodile in this short film is one of the best metaphor for depression". However, the GIFs following that did not coincide with my knowledge of depression.

Now, I do not have long-term depression, but I do have them at some times every month - its a girl thing. So I understand what depression feels like, and it definitely isn't like what was depicted in the visuals. However, I must say that I relate closely to every single GIF and that's when I realize - the crocodile is a metaphor for social anxiety.

(I must add, though, that some people associate the crocodile to shyness as well. I have no objections with that, but for this blog post, I have a heavy preference towards social anxiety.)

So now, I'm gonna explain intricately on why I love this video so much, and why it is a very educational film at that.

What is the film about? 

The film is named 'In Between' by Gobelins, a film production crew that originates from France, I assume. As stated in the description box, the video is about "a young woman (who) is being followed by a crocodile who represents her shyness. As he makes her life a living (hell), she tries by every means to get rid of him."

How is it a metaphor? 

Instance 1: You can't get rid of it 

The start of the video, after the woman was diagnosed of having a "crocodile", she tried to get rid of it by throwing it out of the window/balcony. Oh boy, if only it were that easy - I would have been a social bug right now, making many great new friends easily.  I've thrown my crocodile out the window so many times for the past 10 years and its still here. It's not going anywhere. It's staying with me for life, and I've come to terms with it.

Instance 2: It follows you everywhere

Now, this imagery is so strong and I really love it. I already find it annoying when someone or something is constantly on your tail. So to have such an annoying thing like social anxiety constantly breathing down your neck, it will affect your daily life and it does eventually. What happens in this GIF here is only just the tip of the iceberg.

Instance 3: It affects your presentations 

Yes, yes, I know. All of us have this. It is very common for everybody to get very nervous and sometimes anxious during presentations, especially towards superiors.  But for those with social anxiety, no matter how prepared you are, no matter how many courses you take in presentation skills, the crocodile is there to muck up your presentation, whether or not you can see the crocodile.

 know it sounds crazy, but as someone with social anxiety, we are constantly pressured and stressed about people's judgments and presentations are the last things we enjoy doing. And then we also have to deal with our social anxiety that constantly throws us off throughout the whole presentation. And it doesn't only happen for presentations - public speaking, stage performances, etc.

Instance 4: Trying to make an impression to a cute person

I cannot stress how true this is. There were plenty - and by plenty, I mean PLENTY A LOT - of times when I've wanted to approach people that caught my eyes, whether they were cute or not but guess who tried to screw me up? You guessed it, bloody social anxiety.

Now, this is pretty normal to many, considering its normal to be nervous when approaching strangers, right? But with social anxiety, you'll be dead in your tracks, staring at the person from afar and your mind raging with negative thoughts, overthinking about the other party judging you for your mistakes or your stumbles or your looks or you - the list can go on. To put it bluntly, social anxiety can be a cockblocker.

Instance 5: Social anxiety controls you when you're out in public 

This part was really short in the video but it is the most accurate of all - I just cannot stress how important this part was. This is when the crocodile constantly made circles around the woman while she was having coffee by herself at a cafe.

Now, before I continue, I am also an introvert - I greatly value solitude. I've been in many situations where I am always alone amongst a bunch of other sociable people. Don't get me wrong - I am not anti-social, I can talk to people just fine. But sometimes it can get overwhelming and I would prefer having some alone time to 'recharge'. Introverts will understand this trait very well.

So because I love solitude, doesn't mean I despise interacting with new people. I love meeting new people, but when the crocodile is on a rampage it stops me completely. And if you look closely, the woman has a very bored look. Trust me, I get sick of my crocodile controlling my social activities outside.

Instance 6: Picking up phone calls

To some, this may seem very absurd. Even when I think about it, I can't even explain myself how this works, but it happens.

Before I knew I had social anxiety, I've always had this fear of picking up phone calls - plainly because I was afraid of the person at the other end of the line judging how I sounded on the phone. I still do but it isn't as bad.

I've grown to learn to pick up calls, but it isn't enough. There are times when I receive phone calls by saved numbers in my contacts and I still fear answering them. You ask why? I have no answer to that - I just do. 

Instance 7: Try many, many methods to get rid of it

The funny part about this video is that social anxiety is depicted as an annoying yet cute croc, where you get to kick it into a river, stuff it into your closet and throw all sorts of things at it. Oh boy, if only life were that interesting - I would've done more things than that.

But in real world news, I've tried many things to try and get rid of this social anxiety problem. Of course, before I knew I had it, I thought I just had a problem with public speaking, so I made sure I trained myself in that department. I even went through so many leadership workshops and took up many leader roles. But guess what? The croc's still here and it ain't leaving.

Instance 8: It gets sickening and it ain't leaving, ever

After all your efforts trying to get rid of it, it gets a bit sickening to know its always there - to stop you from doing things, to annoy you for the rest of your life. No matter what you do, its still going to be there, ruining your life bit by bit.

It can be overwhelming at one point of time, because everything you do seems to be halted and disturbed because of social anxiety. And knowing the fact that this crocodile will never ever leave can be pretty terrifying and daunting. It practically is a huge reminder that your life will never be same again. Some might not take it well, some might still be hanging on by a single thread. But eventually, it will get to them when it gets severe and normal daily functioning becomes dysfunctional. And that's a fact.

Instance 9: Lesson learnt - live with it

It definitely took me a while to get used to the fact that there was something wrong with me, especially when I found out it was social anxiety this whole time. I thought it would be a hindrance to my daily life - which it actually is. But I gradually learned not to look at it in a negative light, that it was a disorder, a disability that hindered me from meeting new people.

The crocodile in this video was just a little sweet innocent thing, trying to somehow protect the woman from many things, somehow show concern for the woman. It never meant harm to her, it just was worried for her. Same thing with social anxiety, you overthink about things too much when you're supposed to worry about for only a minute before trying it out.

Conquering this crocodile can't be through violent means - just like forcing the thoughts out by many means or trying to distract yourself through pain by whatever means. What strike me the most from the ending of this video is when the woman said 'Don't worry' to the crocodile. 

In real life, she would basically be telling herself not to worry about it. To me right now, it seems absurd. I've done that hundreds of times in front of the mirror, and it never worked because it would just overwhelm me, no matter what. But I figured it will take some time before I would be like the woman here - where I can just simply tell my crocodile 'Don't worry' and everything will go smoothly afterwards. And I believe that day will come soon, with plenty of patience and perseverance as well as a strong heart & mind.

I've completely strayed away from what I intended to write, which was an analysis of the video, and ended up with a personal reflection. But I really hope this video educates other people about this anxiety disorder. It is such a refreshing way to teach people about it, the animation isn't that bad, the graphics are stunning, the characterization is superb as well. And most importantly, the message is clearly portrayed.

I shall edit this blogpost another time because I reckon there's plenty grammar mistakes everywhere. Thanks for reading!


Izzie x