Sweaty hands.
Numb feet. Rapid breathing. Woozy in the head. A weird feeling in the tummy.
What is this feeling?
I am still
sitting on the edge of my bed, yet I’m looking at the view from a rooftop of a
tall skyscraper in the heart of Manhattan city.
How did I end up here?
The wind is
vicious here, the angry sun baking my bare shoulders up high from behind and
the clouds seem to be floating nearer and nearer to me. It was a beautiful day
and the skyline of the city was almost breathtaking. This is not excitement I’m
feeling – this is fear.
Why am I feeling this way?
My feet hung
precariously close to the edge of the building and I could feel the edge of the
concrete building with the tips of my toes. My hands still grasped the
bedsheets underneath me like it was my lifeline. It was as though I could
tumble off the building by a small gust of wind and plunge down the depths of
whatever human activity is below.
Am I supposed to take the plunge?
Slowly
lowering my gaze below the stunning horizon before me, I took a peek at the
bottom, my hands still tightly clenching the comforter underneath. The roads
were like a maze and every sort of vehicle filled every space. People walked
down the pavements on the sides of the road at different paces. Some walked
slowly, some were rushing, some bumped into each other. The sight of so much
activity overwhelmed me and I straightened my back, taking a deep breath, just
realizing I haven’t been breathing the whole time.
What am I supposed to do now?
Suddenly,
there was a buzz from my bed and I turned to my left to see my phone, receiving
a call. I am still in my room. I am still in my sanctuary. There was no vicious
wind, there was no angry sun, there was no humongous cloud floating inches from
my face. I am still in my room.
I looked at
my phone for a good minute until the call was missed. A text came two seconds
later and extending a shaky hand out, I held the phone and read the text.
Are you coming for the reunion?
Reunion. Friends.
Old friends. Old lovers. Acquaintances. Enemies. Frenemies. Friends who turned
their backs on you. Lovers who betrayed you. Best friends who saw the worst of
you. History. Past. Past events. Events that changed you. Changed you for the
worse, for the better. Events that broke relationships. Broken relationships
with old friends. Friends who are coming to see old friends after some time.
Will the broken bond mend itself back? What if it was never meant to be? Were
all the memories gone to waste? Were they ever worth the fight? The ones who
stayed are the ones who matter. Don’t fight for those who left you behind. And
don’t disappoint the friends who stuck by you. Be a great friend and go for it.
I looked up and
there it was again – the stunning blue sky, the ginormous fluffy clouds, the
blazing sun at the back, the ferocious wind trying to pry me off the bed and
down the terrifying depth below. I closed my eyes and took a minute to breathe
slowly. After I regained my breaths, I opened my eyes to my room once again and
replied the text message:
No. You have fun with the rest.
And this was
not the first time it ever happened.
---
In commemoration of World Mental Health Day (10 Oct), I thought I'd write a little short story about my 'first' anxiety attack, I'm not entirely sure if this is the first, but it is definitely the first that I can associate with anxiety. I just recently found out that I have symptoms of social anxiety but I've yet to seek professional help.
I'm just glad that when I found out about this, I already have a community of other sufferers that I can turn to. Even if I don't end up being diagnosed with this disorder, at least I know how it feels like to have a mental illness and how to help someone if they're having a panic attack or somewhere along the lines.
Have a great day!
Izzie x
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