Yesterday, on February 2nd, was the last day of my life as a polytechnic student.
Right after my final presentation was done, the moment I stepped out of the conference room, I could feel an immense weight lift off my shoulders. I could breathe normally.
Today, February 3rd, I could feel the change, tremendously.
When I woke up in the late morning, the sun rays momentarily blinding me, the day's long agonizing to-do list that usually automatically pops up in my head is gone. It didn't pop up. And it won't be appearing for a really long time. To know that there aren't any deadlines to be met, no assignments or presentations to prepare for, it was truly a deep breath of fresh air.
Of course, I didn't want to do nothing during these 4 months of break to graduation day.
I've planned quite a number of things to do during this break.
One is to travel. Travel with friends. Travel with family. Travel alone, perhaps. Even travelling to the park nearby for a leisurely stroll. Travelling is one thing I've always loved to do but anxiety can be a pain in the ass. One minute I'd be stoked to go to the neighbourhood library or just to take a relaxing walk outside, and the next I'd lose motivation to just step out of the house. I'd think of a lot of whatifs and suddenly I'll be lazing around bed, reading my fanfiction story on my Kindle. Easily, I'd call myself a pussy twat for not having enough courage to face the outside world. It may be anxiety, it may be confidence, it may even be both at once. But I know that I can overpower this thing that's been bothering my motivations.
Second is to write. Pour my heart and soul out on paper and pen. Whether be it a short story, a fanfiction, a blog post, a fiction novel, a personal recount, whatever, I want to write more. Like a teacher once said to me, "Just let your pen flow." This has always been the driving factor when I write essays or stories. Even if whatever I write turns out to be bullshit. I'd let all that nonsense flow and usually, I'd tweak it here and there and add a little bit more spice and an original idea would be born. I want to write more things, wackier, magical, mystical, majestic things. I've quite a few ideas noted down so stay tuned to this blog for more.
Third is to blog. I know it sounds weird and so attention-seeking. But honestly, I have no idea who reads all these posts, unless if people tell me so. And frankly, I don't really care about who reads them. This blog page is where I can let all my thoughts and feelings and memories and wild ideas out for whoever that wants to read it. So if you don't like what I'm writing, you're welcomed to click that big red X at the top right hand corner. But if you do like my writing, whether if its my fictional stories or my personal blog posts, then thank you for reading and appreciating what I've put here. Writing my thoughts and feelings down on a blog really helped to clear my mind, soul and heart when I need to. Like now, where I'm promising myself of the future activities in the next 3 months. Hopefully, I will be able to inspire other people as well, through the personal or fiction stories.
And the last is to learn and love myself. I am guilty of neglecting me the past... oh I don't know, two years perhaps? All I know, it has been a long time. I haven't understood what has happened to me in the past couple of years and I never made the effort to. Usually when I found a problem with myself, I'd make no fret about it and just push it aside. And it has been the same for every single problem I face in my life, and it has been bad for me. I am utterly confused with my feelings and my thoughts and everything about me, and its sad because who knows me better than me? I've neglected myself for way too long and I'm set on slowly understanding every inch and scar of myself, and eventually to love myself for every flaw that I have. I know all of my flaws and I acknowledge them. I have accepted them for who I am but to love me with all these flaws, when I'm quite the perfectionist? That would take some work to do. And I have all the time to do so these next few months.
Now that I've set the content page outline for the next few chapters in my 2015 year, it is time for me to start working on the plot of the story. Let's see how this story evolves, because honestly, I have little control in whatever that's been written for my life and future.
Till the next blog post, take care.
Izzie x
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